Married couple go househunting, wife objects when parents-in-law insist on financially contributing for their new house: 'I'm feeling really stuck here'

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Ally Perry • Writer and Editor
Jan 3, 2025 4:00 PM EST

In the times that we live in, affording a nice place to live—let alone one that you own—is a struggle for many people. It is one made a lot easier when more than one income is contributing to the budget. It's no wonder that a lot of individuals wait until they are coupled up to get on the property ladder, but this can also come with its own set of problems. The more interested parties there are, the more opportunities there are for disagreement.

This is something that one married woman has been struggling with. She wanted to buy a house solely with the money earned by her and her husband, but his parents are becoming increasingly insistent that they also help them financially. On the surface, this could seem like a simple act of generosity, but the whole thing has been giving her an increasingly uneasy feeling.

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    Cheezburger Image 10449740288
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 02
    AITA for not wanting my husband's parents to help pay for our first house? us
    via HistoricalTower4445
  • 03
    My (31F) husband (29M, Eric) and I have been looking for a place to move into together since we got married almost two years ago. To give you some context, we started dating about four years ago, and at the time, I was living with my best friend while we were both doing our medical residency. I fully moved in with Eric after we got engaged, and we had planned to move to a new place after the wedding.
    via HistoricalTower4445
  • 04
    At the time, the understanding was that we would buy a place together on equal footing. He works in tech and doesn't make notably more money than I do, but his parents are wealthy. When we started looking for places, he kept rejecting my preferences, which were generally more reasonably priced, and pushing for more expensive options we couldn't afford. When confronted, he argued that his parents could help us cover the difference, but that was not part of our original agreement.
    via HistoricalTower4445
  • 05
    His mom has also been trying to talk me into taking their money. I politely rejected her advances and insisted to my husband that we follow our original plan. Now, I think Eric is just stalling, expecting me to change my mind. After months of being very focused on the issue, he began avoiding it entirely. He says he doesn't want to talk about it because we'll end up fighting and that there's no rush to find a new place.
    via HistoricalTower4445
  • 06
    It's not that I'm wildly unhappy with our current living situation, but I do feel somewhat uncomfortable because the apartment we live in is clearly "his" and not "ours." It's a single man's apartment, not one for a married couple. I've made a few changes, but Eric says it's not worth spending more money on it if we're going to move soon anyway. I'm feeling really stuck here, and I'm not sure how to move forward. I want to consider my husband's perspectives, but I also feel strongly about sticki
    via HistoricalTower4445

  • While there is nothing that overtly suggests the parents want something more than their gesture to be accepted, it was not part of the original deal that husband and wife had together. It could be seen as a little suspicious that he was not willing to tell her from the offset that his parents were willing to contribute to their budget.

  • 07
    Agitated-Nail-8414 It's not about the money but about his control on your relationship.
    via Agitated-Nail-8414
  • 08
    Due_Eagle_9347 And his parents control if you cave and take the money.
    via Due_Eagle_9347
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    MeatofKings ↑ I've seen so many posts where parents help with home purchase and then they expect to move in later, or not have their kids leave the area, or suddenly they need the money back or want the kids to give money to a sibling. Expectations are real, even if the parents pretend they aren't.
    via MeatofKings
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    fiorekat1 Wealthy parents don't want to move in. They want to control the relationship. Control their lives, in many ways. There are always strings attached.
    via fiorekat1
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    ritlingit Give him a time line. You either buy a house together independent of anyone else or you go get your own living situation. He's being manipulative and that's not something positive in a relationship. He wants his parents involved with purchasing a house that may not be affordable, how is that good for the future? Is he also going to insist that if you have children that his parents be involved in that too? You and he need to have a sit down conversation in the expectations in this relat
    via ritlingit
  • 12
    LighthouseonSaturn If it truly is a gift, and the house is in both your names and equally owned. Than just graciously accept the gift. If it comes with strings, like a post-nuptial stating you only own x% of the house because of the extra money his parents invested, than you are right to turn it down. My husband and I saved up for our wedding on our own. Because of that, we had a small wedding compared to what my family wanted. At the end of the night,.my parents surprised us by paying for half
    via LighthouseonSaturn
  • 13
    ConfusedAt63 Depending on the terms, a gift with no expectations or strings is rare! Maybe if it is in a written contract that it is a gift and not a loan and it doesn't not come with strings attached it would be ok. Do you honestly think his parents are just going to give you a bunch of money and not feel or want to have some input in your lives? So far, how have they been? Have they put any demands on you for your time? Are they crossing boundaries and interfering or trying to be included in y
    via ConfusedAt63
  • 14
    867530nyeeine Not sure what his parents are like, but my in-laws gave us money towards our home, initially as a zero interest loan, and then years later gifted us the remaining balance, and never used it as leverage to have control over our lives. But, we live very far from them, and have very firm boundaries. Just saying, it can work out that it's truly a leg up for you and not a foot in the door for them. The difference though is that we would've still been purchasing in the same price range w
    via 867530nyeeine
  • 15
    DesperateLobster69 NTA dude he IS NOT READY TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP, LET ALONE GET MARRIED!!!! HE'S STONEWALLING YOU UNTIL HE (AND HIS PARENTS) GET THEIR WAY!! It's always going to be them as a family vs you. Rather than you guys building your own family & facing the world & any problems together. He will go behind your back, talk to his parents & get his way. He only cares about what he wants & has no consideration for your thoughts or feelings, that's not a partner!!
    via DesperateLobster69
  • 16
    Agile-Wait-7571 You married a person who is not fully independent from his parents.
    via Agile-Wait-7571
  • 17
    Vegetable-Cod-2340 NTA It really feels like Eric is moving the goalpost. You made an arrangement and not only he trying to go back on it, he's enlisted his mom to push you to accept their money. I get you hesitantly because you're currently in Eric's apartment, and if you take that money, you're not in your and Eric home, you're in Eric and his parents' home. I think you may need to take this topic to couples counseling. I would be concerned that my partner instead of working harder or saving mo
    via Vegetable-Cod-2340
  • 18
    IndependentDot9692 Go find your own place to live. You aren't stuck. You just don't like the options. He's waiting for you to compromise so he doesn't have to. So find a place you like, can afford, and buy it.
    via IndependentDot9692
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    JEWCEY If you take the money there needs to be something in writing with a lawyer that it's a one time gift and not a loan or any sort of holding over the property, and that when you go to sell, the ownership is 50/50 between you and your husband only. You will need to point to that any time they try to hold the money over you, which they will do.
    via JEWCEY
  • 20
    Mama_Milfy_San Tell him you'll accept the money if they sign a contract stating they have zero claim on the house and explicitly stating the money is a gift for BOTH of you. If they're willing to do so, I don't see a problem. If not, giant red flag and say h_ I no.
    via Mama_Milfy_San
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    SmileParticular9396 NTA it's a TRAP. Coming from someone whose husbands mother was our real estate agent. She was at our house every day for nearly 4mo.
    via SmileParticular9396
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    ReviewScary9200 If the money had just been given as a wedding gift I would say go for it. But now it's become more of a control thing to determine where/ how you live. You are not the AH
    via ReviewScary9200
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    Rachelk426 The 2 of you need to discuss this thoroughly with a mediator. Go to therapy and have a discussion. You're already losing tolerance for being in a space that you feel isn't yours and his avoidance is manipulative (maybe not his intention, but certainly the result). You're married... Learn to have a dynamic. So, without being disrespectful to his parents, talk about why it's important to you to do this without their help. Have a thorough discussion on financial values and understand per
    via Rachelk426
  • 24
    tytyoreo NTA.... maybe you could find a place of your own......your husband isn't going to accept anything unless it's a more expensive place and his parents help..... then it would still be his and his family and if this the reaction you're getting for a house how will it be whenever you two have kids and his mom will have the house to her liking..... It's not a our you or how you feel it's about how they feel and what they want
    via tytyoreo
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    Emarsh1993 You either concede and have the potential of that being held over your head forever, or give his immature entitled self an ultimatum. The fact he just dismissed your attempts at a conversation with the "we will just wind up arguing, why rush" line while also maintaining the "don't bother spending money to make this apartment yours as well because we will just be moving soon" is a bit of a red flag into a controlling personality with levels of narcissism or just plain old entitlement.
    via Emarsh1993
  • 26
    redfancydress Grandma here...you're NTA. If you take the money it won't be y'all's house...it will be her house and she will decorate and visit as she wants to. Then if y'all have kids..she will be visiting HER house and overstaying her welcome. Has she "joked" about getting a house all together yet? Or her getting her own room at your house yet?
    via redfancydress

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aita house wife new homeowners relationships husband in laws reddit thread Reddit new home money parents
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